6/1/18

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A bunch of stuff happened today, some of it good and some of it frustrating, and so I’m in this kind of seesaw mode. It’s crazy when I think about it – I know everything is going to be just fine, but I feel uneasy and apprehensive nonetheless. And I know some of the things I’m worried about wouldn’t worry anyone else. But that’s okay because anyone else probably worries about altogether different and unrelated things. So I shouldn’t worry about what other people worry about. I can only worry about me and my worries. It’s my birthday, by the way.

This is a facsimile of what happens in my head sometimes, like now. Here’s a microcosm of my day so far – I got my car back from the shop, presumably fixed, and without a charge, but the mechanic who worked on it got his mechanic fingerprints on the interior upholstery. I was so pissed at the level of disregard that I just continued driving home. I didn’t want to go back in and speak to the people who run that business. I’m not one to complain about shit like this, obviously, because instead of talking to them about it I’m writing about it on a… running journal? Whatever. It just upset me. It’s not like my car is perfect, but damn. Get it together.

On the good side of things, I held true to my word (to myself) and did a short workout. Very short. I don’t want to be sore for tomorrow so I took it real easy and did some core work and a little arm work. I don’t want to mess with my legs before a 24 mile run. I also finished a book I’ve been reading for a while and then started a new one. That’s satisfying because reading keeps me motivated to write. And, probably the best thing that happened today – I signed up for the Daytona 100. I’ve had the race picked out and set a training schedule for it, but I had yet to actually sign up for it until today. So that’s done. Of course, Ultrasignup has me finishing 8th in 19:30 or something like that, so no pressure. I don’t know where their math comes from but it is definitely too close for comfort. That’s basically where I want to be. If their estimate was a little bit more conservative, I’d feel a little bit more comfortable. It’s weird, if that’s the time I’m “supposed” to run, I want to run that fucking time. But who decides the times, and how?

And then back to the job thing. I wake up each morning and I say to myself, “Maybe today someone will call you.” Then it gets to be about this time of day, after lunch, and no call. No one calls an applicant after lunch on a Friday to schedule an interview. That’s my thought process anyway – if they haven’t called within the period of time in which I’m optimistic, they’ll never call. And my window of optimism is slowly, slowly closing. Boo.

Truth though – when I think about all of this, and why I’m writing about it here, in this sour, somewhat unpleasant mood I’m in, I realize that continuity is what this journal is about. Whatever good thing or bad thing I’m going through, running is always there for me. I’m looking forward to tomorrow because I get to fight back all those thoughts of insufficiency I accumulate from not getting calls-back. I get to clear my head of all the worries associated with finances and statuses and “as a 36-year old, where I am is not where I should be.” I get to remember that my car and its issues are inconsequential. I get to be me, unencumbered and unworried. Relaxed. Smiling. Heart beating strong. And I’ll always be grateful for anything that brings me such comfort.

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